Struggling

I’ve had a lot going through my mind the last few weeks and I’m to the point where I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t get some of it out, even if nobody reads this or nobody cares.

Life has been HARD lately. Very hard. We have been having some major difficulties with Caden and I feel like it’s tearing us all apart. I’m on the fence about if I should keep these battles private or if I should share them and perhaps find some support in other people that might be going through the same battles. The problem is that I feel like when I do start to share, the majority of people think I must be exaggerating or start to attack me for daring to say something negative about my child. People don’t believe me and I think that’s one of the hardest things to deal with.

The truth is, Caden has become a very angry and very violent child. He’s not like this at school, he’s not usually like this around strangers or extended family. But at home? It’s a completely different story. Caden hits, kicks, pinches, spits, bites, and throws things at me on a daily basis. Usually many, many, MANY times a day.  He does the same to Greg and the worst part – he does the same to Shepard. The other day Caden was hitting me with an umbrella. His newest thing is throwing objects at me, most often – kitchen chairs. He’s five years old. And he’s throwing kitchen chairs at me. I am devastated by what this is putting everybody through and I’m terrified of what he’s going to be like when he’s older if he continues on this path.

We shared some of our concerns with Caden’s pediatrician last month and she strongly suggested we start seeing a therapist to help Caden deal with his anger. For the last few weeks we’ve been going to a therapist now and though she seems to have some great ideas, Caden’s behavior has amplified considerably with the changes we’ve made. It’s getting harder and harder to see the good things in him when he spends so much of his day screaming at and attacking me. I feel very hopeless and very alone.

I love Caden and I always will. But we’ve had so many emotional struggles during his short life. We’ve struggled – and still struggle with – his speech apraxia and inability to be understood by most people, at least the first and second time he repeats himself. I know he must be hurting too in ways I probably can’t understand. He’s frustrated and feels like the only time he can let that go is in the safety of his own home. But…he’s hurting us. Physically, emotionally, deeply. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. 

Halloween Fun

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Happy Halloween! Once again I planned on writing a bunch of smaller posts this week, but it’s been crazy busy and I’m once again doing a gigantic post. Sorry! Anyway – we started our Halloween fun off last weekend when the boys had a sleepover at grandma’s. Caden harvested his sunflower into a smiley face.

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On Saturday morning a large group of us went to Waldvogel’s, a local farm filled with fall activities.

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Getting tall!

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On the “train.” It was FREEZING and so windy.

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Shepard has hit the age where he does a lot more fake smiles than real ones. So sad. 🙁

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The gigantic tunnel slide.

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Sweet little baby goat. I want to keep him.
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The boys opted for cupcakes this trip. And then threw fits that they couldn’t get caramel apples after their cupcakes.

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Sunday afternoon was trick-or-treating. We stopped at Grandma’s house first for treats.

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Finally ready! These costumes were almost the death of me. I spent every single minute one entire weekend working on them – plus a few afternoons. I guess they turned out pretty well, though, except for the hem on Caden’s pants!

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I like how even Juno has a cheesy smile in this picture.

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The poor pig and bumblebee had to stay inside.

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Trick or treating! The boys did really well. I was a little nervous when at the first house the lady gave Caden candy first and then Shepard yelled, “Give me candy too!”

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Door to door service.

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Their loot! And more fake smiles. I don’t think Shepard had a real smile all night. He seemed really tired and bothered by his mustache and went through everything in kind of a daze.

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Loading up the bags again. Caden counted later and they had 193 pieces of candy.

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On Monday night we finally got around to carving pumpkins. Caden was so proud of the face he colored on ahead of time.

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And then Daddy sliced right through the face and by the time he was cutting he wore all the marker off!

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They were not very enthusiastic about digging the guts out!

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Caden very delicately scooped a couple of seeds out and then spent the rest of the time bossing us around to make sure we got all of them.

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Scooping away.img_0682-pumpkin-family

 

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It was a really nice night in the midst of a pretty difficult week.

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Last night we had our official Halloween party, which I guess is now an annual tradition! Last year I didn’t make a ton of food and I went way overboard this year. It was great, though. Above is a chocolate graveyard dip I made to go with fruit.

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Monster fingers. Or gorilla fingers.

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Pumpkin seeds.

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Frozen banana ghosts.

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This was my favorite scary thing – eyeball punch! It was super easy too. Just buy a can of lychees, stuff them with blueberries and freeze. The punch itself is just a mix of 7up and Hawaiian Punch.

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Spiderweb dips my mom made.

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Dirt and worm cupcakes my mom made.

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Witch hats and broomsticks my mom made.

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Pizza bread snake. This was my favorite thing to eat! It was pizza dough combined with diced pepperoni, green peppers, garlic, and parmesan cheese and then stuffed with a ring of mozzarella cheese. So delicious.

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Mummy hot dogs.

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After we all stuffed ourselves, we built the Halloween puzzle together.

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That’s a lot of people putting together a 100 piece puzzle!

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And that’s it! It was a great Halloween!

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