Is anyone else getting really sick of themselves? I feel like the longer I’m shut away in my house the uglier my personality is becoming. Mostly (fortunately?) my ugly parts are staying IN my head and not bursting out at the people around me. But it’s making me really dang sick of being in my head all the time. I keep finding myself fixating on choices other people have made that have literally nothing to do with me, but I don’t understand or necessarily agree with them, so I can’t stop wanting to argue my points, but also won’t actually do it because I can’t stand conflict or having people angry with me. I’ve been crazy resentful of the people who stopped caring about the pandemic or are willing to take a lot more risks than I am because it feels like they’re rubbing their freedom in my face. I envy everyone who has kids that are still excited about and up for outdoor adventures when I can’t even get my kids to go on a walk anymore. I cried for two days when I felt like someone had “stolen” one of my cancelled vacations even when I logically know that I have no claims to a vacation spot. The other night Greg went on his first bike ride of the year and rather than cheering him on I became irrationally upset when I saw that he not only beat my longest bike ride, but his speed was almost triple what mine usually is. It made me feel so stupid for being proud of myself and everything I’ve accomplished this summer. I’m so, so sick of all these ugly and icky emotions, but I can’t seem to rid myself of them. The things I’ve been using to distract myself don’t seem to be working anymore. I have way too much time to think and stew. I wish I could just turn it all off and be happy. Some days are just really, really hard.
Anyway! I didn’t mean to get so depressing there – sorry. It’s been a very up and down week, as usual. That’s just life, right? At least that’s what my therapist keeps telling me. 🙂 It was a double therapy week and I think both sessions actually went pretty well. We were extremely disappointed to learn that our first in person therapy with Caden was once again postponed and switched to virtual. The last session was such an epic failure that we almost cancelled this one. But he actually cooperated this time, better than he ever has before. Then I was able to get a last minute session in for myself on Friday, which I really needed after a lot of very difficult things happened this week. I talk a lot about parenting struggles with my therapist and this week she suggested an official diagnosis that she thinks might fit Caden, as something to look into. I did a little reading on it and it really sounds just like everything we’ve struggled with his whole life. Why did none of the other therapists ever suggest this as a possibility?? I’m hoping we can continue on with a professional psych evaluation, as his therapist suggested a few months back but hasn’t been able to happen yet with no in person sessions. It might really help us going forward to know more about what we’re dealing with and continue getting him the right type of help.
Tuesday was Shepard’s half birthday. We usually celebrate half birthdays in our house by letting the special person choose a restaurant or place to get a good dessert. They’re also typically allowed a little more freedom to do whatever they choose that day. I picked up a cherry kringle for his breakfast, but then Greg ended up taking him for the day to work/game at his parents’ house. I had planned to get takeout for dinner, but Greg took him out to lunch and after he had a migraine (the first in quite awhile) on Monday after eating so much crap over the weekend it didn’t seem very responsible to take him out again. Then we had another big blow up (not from him) and I ended up leaving and spending the entire evening sitting in my car at the cemetery reading. It was honestly a pretty terrible half birthday for him. Much like his actual birthday when we brought him to one of his favorite restaurants in the Dells, but he was instead very angry about the spontaneous change of plans. I used to be the kind of person that wanted to celebrate every little holiday, but they always seem to be set ups for disappointment these days. Better to just keep every day boring and predictable.
Most of my week was really just spent sewing! I’m going to be on vacation next week (more on that in a bit!), so I really wanted to get another restock in this week. I’m trying to pay off the bike I preordered, so I’m a little more pressured than I usually am to stay focused on being super productive. I pretty much worked sun up to sun down, but I managed to make nine dolls between Tuesday morning and Thursday night! They all sold right away on Friday, so that’s always a plus! I think I’m going to have to switch over to fall and Halloween dolls when I start up again next weekend. While I’m normally desperate for fall to come, I’m really dragging my heels this year. Fall means winter is right around the corner and winter means we will truly be trapped in our house. Fingers crossed we have a very late cold snap this year!
When I was really upset last weekend about all those ugly feelings I decided to think about what I could actually do to change my circumstances. I’m a big believer in not getting swallowed up by things that you really CAN change. And something I could change was getting us all out of our house for a few days. I spent hours and hours doing research and ended up booking an airbnb in the middle of nowhere on 40 acres of land next week! It looks like the perfect spot to have a low key but really nice and SAFE little vacation before school starts. Annie can even come with us! I’m really looking forward to a change of scenery for a few days and a forced stop from being so focused on productivity every minute of every day. It also goes a long way in alleviating the guilt I feel about not taking my kids to do anything exciting this summer. It will be good for all of us.
I’ve biked every morning this week for a total of 45 miles. I’ve been feeling pretty strong this week, which makes going out a lot more enjoyable. But at the same time there seems to be something wrong with my bike, so it’s an added stress to keep worrying something might blow apart and break at any minute. I’m clearly not very knowledgeable in bike maintenance, but there’s been a lot of clicking in my chain and as the week has gone on I realized I really only have two working gears on my seven gear bike. It’s been stressful trying to figure out if I should sink money into it to try and fix it or just power through and hope it stays together until early December when my new bike arrives. When Greg went out for his second bike ride last night he ended up blowing a tire, so he’s actually taking his tire and my bike to a bike shop today to see what can be done. Hopefully it’s a cheap fix, but it will definitely make me feel better about my next three months of biking.
Making food every day continues to be the bane of my existence. It’s such an inconvenience! Especially when you’re madly trying to get a bunch of dolls finished. I keep trying to remind myself that keeping everyone fed a variety of healthy foods is truly my most important job right now. It kind of sucks that it’s totally my responsibility and it’ll never ever go away, but that’s life. I just don’t understand how people with more than two kids manage to do it, though. I’m hanging on by a thread trying to keep my kids full. It’s so much work!
For Shepard’s half birthday I made french onion dip, roasted salsa, and giant cookies. One night we had marinated grilled hot dogs and zucchini which was pretty tasty. We had make your own salad night. I’m still trying to use up tomatoes, though getting a little sick of them. Last night we had jalapeno popper grilled cheese. And a few days ago I tried to make salted caramel roasted nuts as a somewhat healthier dessert option, but they ended up being more of a candied nut and were so sugary that I’ve gotten massive headaches both days I ate them. My body has been very clear lately on its dislike of sugar.
Overall, it’s definitely been more of a down week for me. But I’m optimistic about next week and our little getaway. I’m nervous about it being the last week of summer, though. Emotions might be getting pretty intense by the end of the week when that realization sets in. Even though life won’t change THAT drastically once school does start, it’s still going to be a shock to the boys to suddenly not have all the daily screen time they’ve been revelling in. But I’m hoping once we all settle into the new normal it’ll actually be okay. Never ideal, but I think we’ll figure out how to make it work.