Life has been really hard lately. I keep alternating between feeling desperate for more time to myself and extremely lonely. I have this constant emotional war going on in my mind that I don’t think anybody understands, myself included. But I’m pretty sure it keeps circling back to one or the other as the base problem.
In a normal school year, I should have four, sometimes five, days a week to myself. A solid seven hour chunk every day to work, run errands, prep food, read, rest, and recharge so I’m ready to emotionally deal with the rest of the night. This last month? Between school holidays, sick kids, and bad weather, I’ve had zero or one day, every single week. And it’s killing me. It’s felt like those three months of summer where every single day whittles me down to the point I’m honestly not even sure I’m going to survive to the end. Except in summer everyone has the option to play outside, go on walks, see friends, go to the pool, find ways to occupy themselves in locations other than the walls of this house. And I’m not REALLY placing the blame for my emotional distress on my family members, not really. But I can’t explain how I’m feeling without immediately offending them. And without thinking there is surely something wrong with me because MOST PEOPLE do not have four days a week to be alone! I always fall into the trap of belief that my issues are not valid because I’m coming from a place of privilege to begin with. I don’t feel like I’m allowed to have these feelings, which makes the problem that much more intense and that much more hopeless.
I think what bothers me so much about having people around ALL THE TIME is that there are so many expectations on me, with none of the connection. I need to make food for everyone alllllllllll the time. Preparing and cleaning up after those meals takes huge chunks of time as well. I will be the first to admit that I do very little of the major house cleaning in this family, but I AM responsible for all the daily upkeep, which is that much more stressful when four people are contributing to the messes all day long. It leaves me with very little time or energy left to do the other things I need, or especially want, to do.
I’ve thought many times over the years that video games have basically been the worst thing to ever happen to us. But how could we deny them to our kids when it’s something Greg has always loved so much? I wish we could go back and do things a little differently because it’s nearly impossible to change their expectations and demands at this point in time. What annoys me so much isn’t even the games, but the stupid youtube videos. When my kids are home, that’s basically all I ever hear. They do have pretty strict screen time rules during the week, but Caden’s gotten around them by going on the treadmill for three hours every night (NOT an exaggeration) so he can keep watching his videos while he walks. What used to be a safe haven – my beautiful living room – is now filled with that awful obnoxious noise all the time. It makes me feel trapped and overwhelmed, especially because of how much my kids like to bully me into more screen time until I finally give in – or they just start watching anyway because I don’t know how to stop them. Ever since Christmas break when Caden was fully determined to destroy every single day before we even left the house, I’ve had very little fight left in me. The behavior challenges we’ve had with him his whole life only seem to be getting worse. And the more I feel like a failure as a parent, the less I want to try to be a better one. I resent how he makes me feel, I resent how many things he’s ruined, and that resentment has seeped into how I feel about everyone else. I’m sick of trying and I just want to be alone.
That’s probably a little more honesty than I should share. I try not to talk too in depth about our parenting problems these days because he’s very aware of this blog and could access it if he wanted to. But…that’s my truth right now, so I’m keeping it in.
All that aside, I’m also feeling very lonely. When life feels so hard, I’m like most people and would rather hide away than find positive ways to deal with it. I was determined to get past the overwhelming sadness Christmas break brought and immediately planned a coffee morning with my friends at the start of the month. But only one person showed – and I’m certainly not mad at the people who couldn’t come, they had valid reasons! But it also made me feel like maybe I don’t want to keep trying to organize things. It frustrates me so much that the only way I ever see anybody is if I organize it. Is it because everyone else is just too busy? Is it because they’re really not that interested in hanging out with ME? I somehow keep expecting friendship to get easier and it only gets a million times harder. Where are the people who long for deeper connection? Where are the people who will immediately say yes to something without making me feel like I’ve only made their lives harder? Where are the people I can count on to show up and actually care about me and respect my feelings? Where are the people who want to just do life together and not reinforce the idea that I AM a bad mom or person because of the way things are going right now? I’m honestly ready to put some sort of personal ad out online because SURELY those people must exist. They exist in my facebook groups! They exist online. But in real life? Why can’t I find them?
Anyway. That’s basically how my January has gone. I’ve been keeping my mouth shut, my head down, working a lot, reading a lot, cooking a lot. Trying to make sense of what’s going on in my heart and my brain. Hiding.
Greg and I did get away for a night in Milwaukee to celebrate our 20th anniversary of being together. It was kind of a stressful situation because Shepard had some type of influenza that entire week and we weren’t sure if we should leave him and we weren’t sure if we’d catch it and that would ruin the trip anyway. So we compromised and cut our two nights into one – also because we were expecting a huge snowfall the second night and didn’t want to drive home in that mess.
The trip itself was really nice. We had lunch at a really cool taco place and then went to the Milwaukee Art Museum to see the photography exhibit that was featuring a photo of my grandpa in his barber shop. Then we relaxed at the hotel for a few hours before heading out to a cool restaurant across the street. We ended the night rushing through the super cold streets of Milwaukee to see a Doughboys Podcast Live. It’s Greg’s favorite podcast and I usually only listen when we’re in the car alone together (rare!), but I really enjoyed the show. It was so funny! We finished the trip walking around Milwaukee Public Market and having a huge brunch at the cutest European cafe. The whole trip was a great reminder that we can still laugh and have fun together. But it also ended with a reminder that kids are always on the back of our minds, as we struggled with whether or not we should come home even earlier in order to meet Caden after school and let him stay with us (while a fevered Shepard was still with Grandma). Nobody was even supposed to know we were coming home early to avoid that ever present sense of parental duty, but there were some communication mix ups that really ended the trip on a sour note.
The boys had off of school on Monday for Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It was the first day Shepard was finally feeling better (though he doesn’t look it!), so I was determined to make the most of it and take them out for lunch and Starbucks. But if we were already going to be in Sun Prairie it made sense to me to also get some groceries, which is NEVER a good idea with kids in tow. At least MY kids. Or…KID. They weren’t being naughty, exactly, just…made the whole trip very stressful. And not at all fun because all they wanted was to rush through the food and go back home to their games. Just like every time I try and do something special to connect with them, it falls flat. I was also supposed to take Caden out for a lunch yesterday, but he is a master of self sabotage, so that fell through too.
I’ve still been cooking, a lot. Using my air fryer every day! I’m trying to keep reminding myself that eating good food is part of nourishing myself and should be my number one priority. But I’m really losing steam. Mainly because I’m not losing any weight. I lost 10 pounds right away last fall when I started making changes, and then absolutely nothing in the last two months. It’s really frustrating. I’m not trying to FOCUS on the weight loss, but it also seems like with how many beloved foods I gave up, I should really be having some accompanying loss!! As you can see from this photo I’m not exactly eating salads every day (lol), but I’m still almost entirely gluten free, no processed snack foods, no desserts unless they’re also gluten free/low sugar, a lot more fruits and vegetables than I used to eat. I’m not trying crazy hard to eat perfectly, just avoiding the things that will most harm my liver. So I guess it’s to be expected that the weight isn’t falling off. But I’m still discouraged!
In happier news, I finally reopened my shop the other day after a six or seven week break! I had 20 new dolls and sold 12 of them so far. I’d like to really keep the momentum going with a couple new batches listed a week, but this week when I’ve been so obsessed with work again has really reminded me how much falls to the wayside when I prioritize that. And I’m not sure I’m in a great place at the moment to just work all the time again. I need better balance. So…we’ll see what happens. At any rate, it’s nice to be making some money again! And just creating in general. I love it.
So that’s what’s been going on with me lately. I’ve been tempted to just stop writing until I get my stuff figured out, but writing is what helps me, even if nobody is interested in reading this depressing update on my life! I’m trying to figure it out.
