Have you ever had one of those days where you’re just filled with so many negative emotions that you wreck all chances of anything good happening to you? I feel like I’ve had a whole week of self-sabotaging mental anguish. I don’t want to have a whole summer like this. But…it’s been a sucky week. Nothing really went the way I wanted it to, or thought it would. I’m STILL trying to reconcile the fact that my kids are completely their own people with their own emotions and agendas that VERY RARELY align with mine. It’s making for nonstop arguments and resentment from all sides, which really isn’t a very fun way to live, especially in your own home.
It started last Sunday when I finally gave up on anyone helping me clean the boys’ rooms. They were disastrous and I spent the entire weekend talking about how important it was that we work together to get those two rooms cleaned once and for all. My voice went unheard. I spent hours by myself cleaning their rooms to perfection. And then I had a full blown tantrum when I finally went downstairs to them all playing their video games and demanding dinner. When I said I wouldn’t make dinner for people that didn’t listen to me and help out with THEIR ROOMS, they looked at me like I was crazy and told me I never said to clean their rooms. What?! Are you kidding me?? I think those are the kinds of things that make me most angry. I tell my children to do something. Often more than once. I finally get angry and yell because they never did the thing. And then they look at me blankly and start arguing that I never told them to do it. Am I invisible?!? Can they not register the wavelengths of my voice? It’s absolutely infuriating.
So I took the anger from that day and carried it with me the rest of the week. A lot of resentment can be stored up when you realize you are 25% of a family, doing 100% of the mundane daily chores. It’s an easier pill to swallow when 75% of the family is gone for most of the day and not making mess after mess after mess, and requiring meal after snack after meal. It was also easier to get over it when my kids were little and not really capable of actually cleaning something up. But at 10 and 8? They can do it. They SHOULD do it. And they should do it without constant nagging and arguing and eventually threatening to take things away. I don’t know how to change this dynamic, though. And the lack of control over my own life right now, and knowing it’s going to be like this for three more months, is what’s eating away at me. I like my life to be tidy and organized and go the way it’s supposed to go. Kids, at least mine, don’t cooperate with that.
Anyway. I decided to spend my last two days alone doing only the things that I like to do. I ran some errands and went to a few of my favorite stores on Monday and then took a long nap. On Tuesday I stayed home to just read and rest. It was an appropriate personal goodbye ceremony to another school year behind us.
Tuesday was the last day of school. They got a lot bigger this year! And grew a lot more hair. Shepard’s really come into his own this year, getting over most of his social anxiety. He’s quite the popular little man these days!
Probably the best picture of the three of them I could ever hope to get!
The sucky part about Tuesday is that allergies hit me HARD. They haven’t been that bad yet – sometimes they start as early as Mother’s Day, so I just assumed I finally had it under control this year with the four different medications I take for them. Nope! I have been trying not to shred my eyes out the last five days, they are so ragingly itchy. It just adds another layer of why I’ve been so cranky. I hate this time of the year. I hate that it’s finally nice out, Annie is desperate to go play outside all the time, and every time I walk outside I feel like I’m going to die, but guess what – I’m a mother and a dog owner – so I have to go out whether I want to or not. It’s just so ANNOYING. The good news is that they’re usually gone by early July, so at least once they get really bad I know the end is in sight!
Caden wasn’t feeling very well on Tuesday either. They went to Grandma’s and his head hurt so bad that he couldn’t eat. Then he woke up with a really red eye on Wednesday. He was also coughing and stuffed up. We had plans in the morning to meet a few friends at the park for a big donut picnic, so we went over for an hour and then had a pretty lazy day. Next week is going to be so busy – mostly for him – so I really wanted him to get rested up. I was also worried he might have pink eye because it was so swollen and droopy. The only real thing we did was walk over the farmer’s market in the afternoon to pick up a few things for dinner.
I didn’t plan on working this week, but sometimes it’s better to funnel my stress into something productive, so I whipped up a batch of 10 patriotic ornament sized dolls – my customers’ favorite size. They all sold in the time it took me to make dinner.
I thought Caden’s eye actually looked better on Thursday, but he was up early and crying because both eyes hurt, so I called as soon as I could to get him into the doctor. Of course we couldn’t get in until afternoon, so I was really angry at myself for not just calling on Wednesday instead of waiting it out. It’s frustrating to feel so in limbo with plans. I basically just let him play video games all day to contain his potentially contagious germs. Then the verdict at the doctor – allergies, definitely not pink eye. Which obviously makes sense because mine hit the same day he started feeling miserable. But the doctor also said cottonwood got bad this week – we saw some flying around at the dog park – so Caden is choosing to believe he has a cottonwood allergy instead of grass, like me.
I was ready for a break by Thursday evening, so as soon as Greg got home I left to see Rocketman in the theater. It was so good! And such a great little treat for myself. I plan on seeing a lot of nighttime movies in the theater this summer by myself. 🙂
Friday was also pretty uneventful. We were going to have lunch with my mom, but she wasn’t feeling well. So our only big event was walking to the library so I could pick up some books I had on hold. Shepard and Willow basically spent the entire day making batch after batch of slime. I mostly read. Caden mostly gamed. And then Greg took the boys to the pool for the night.
I finished my evening with a much needed yoga video. I started this book last weekend called Burnout which talks about the importance of dealing with your STRESS, not just your STRESSORS. It was such a mindblowing concept to me – thinking about actual stress that just sits in your body until you do something about it. Earlier this week I tried to eliminate some of my stress by taking Annie on as lot of walks. But then allergies. And bugs. (Why are there already so many bugs?!) So yoga was a great alternative – at least for me, not so much for Annie.
And that was the week! Not very exciting, not much fun. I genuinely don’t want the whole summer to go this way. So I’m going to try and get my act together and figure out what I need to do for myself to make my life better. I think a lot of my negative feelings this week have also been stressing about next week. It’s the big garage sale week. Which also means being outside every waking minute to work on it. (Maybe I should wear goggles?) And the first week of summer school. And Caden’s basketball camp. And Annie has a grooming appointment and I’ll need to run errands and Caden is going to another birthday party. (We have three birthday parties this weekend.) I’m feeling so overwhelmed, but also so tired and unmotivated. But I wanted to do the sale early in the summer to get it over with and not feel like this anymore. So I need to suck it up and power through. It’ll be worth it.
1 thought on “Saturday Reflections 06.08.2019”
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