It’s been almost four weeks since my fall. I’ve left the walls of my house three times since then. Once to have surgery. Twice to go to post op doctor’s appointments. I’m starting to feel very, very trapped. Fortunately, I am an introvert and I do like being at home. But when you take away the option of even going on a short walk, it starts to feel like a prison sentence. Especially with no clue how much longer this will be my reality. Right now the future is just a haze of nothing ever changing.
There have definitely been some very bleak days this last week. Last weekend with St. Patrick’s Day and everything, was horrible. Which is why I didn’t even bother writing on Sunday. Yesterday, with the start of spring break and a head full of all the plans I wanted to share with the boys and Annie now being impossible, was probably the deepest depression I’ve felt. I loathe the first days of spring for showing up when I can’t enjoy them. I’m so incredibly envious of everyone that has freedom to walk freely, drive where they want, be spontaneous, do simple tasks without meticulous planning and care. The hardest hours come when I have zero interest in doing anything I CAN do. Things that used to make me so happy. Unlimited reading time, unlimited writing time, tv time, podcast time, naps galore, researching new books to read, sewing or creative projects that would require a little extra help, but are not impossible. I don’t want any of it. And I’m terrified I might still be facing months of this.
But it’s not all bad. Monday was the first day Greg went into work his regular schedule. He packed the boys’ lunches every morning and I just had to sit there and keep them on task to get them out the door on time. We had some hiccups with Annie not wanting to pee that first day, but she’s had people walking her or taking her to the dog park every day since. I suppose we should try and figure out a way for me to get her outside on a chain in an emergency situation like Monday (thankfully my neighbor was able to run over that day). The problem is that the chain length from the back door will only allow her on the driveway and I’m not sure if she’d go to the bathroom there. If we went all the way to the front door she could at least reach the grass, but there’s a lot bigger chance another dog would walk by and she could probably pull her chain out of the ground if she tried hard enough. And if I let her out the back bathroom door, she’d only be a few feet from the neighbor’s yard and their dogs which could also cause problems. It’s tricky.
At any rate, it was nice to feel a little more independent. I started getting myself up the stairs to take showers on my own every morning. The first day I had to get all the stuff set up, but the rest of the days Greg did it ahead of time for me. Monday I also did a lot of light cleaning and organizing. But I think I overdid it because my right knee and shin were in SO much pain on Tuesday from too much time on the scooter.
I finally finished up the last custom order that was weighing on me. I made a second doll for her patience with me. I loved getting them done and sewing again, but it was also so hard. There are just so many supplies needed for every single step. Greg helped me the night I needed most of it, but it’s not an ideal situation. And then trying to get comfortable to do all the hand sewing while my leg is still propped up above my heart, is fairly impossible. So I’m not planning on doing any more sewing until I can comfortably have my leg down for long periods of time. That might still be weeks or months away. 🙁
My neighbor friend supplied us with more meals this week, which was great. My mom spent time with me on Wednesday again and made us a meal too. We’re getting very spoiled! But it’s so nice not to have to stress about that too much. On Thursday, Greg was grocery shopping after work so I spent about 45 minutes in the kitchen getting everything prepped and in the oven to stay warm, I sauteed some zucchini, and I chopped up chicken to marinade for the next night’s dinner. It felt AMAZING to actually do something worthwhile in the kitchen. You know, I’ve felt so underappreciated for so long making meals for my family over and over again with no reprieve. And when you take that ability away, you miss it so much. I now feel privileged to be able to do that for them. I’m not sure I’m quite up to cooking on a daily basis yet, but I’m more prepared to help off and on.
Friday was Caden’s half birthday and Annie’s third birthday. It’s technically the anniversary of when she was found as a stray, which was just put down on all her paperwork as her birthday. We really have no idea when it is or how old she is. But three sounds about right. 🙂 We gave her a couple of new toys and my mom gave her some yummy treats. Greg even bought her a huge bone on Thursday night, which we’ll give her today. Of course the actual celebrations only lasted about five minutes of the day, but it was fun to do something happy. I just wish I could do more.
Anyway, that’s about been my week. It was fairly uneventful except for the people stopping by off and on to help with Annie or bring food. My physical pain is pretty low as long as I’m not moving around much. But if I spend too much time laying around, the rest of my body is in absolute agony by the end of the night. My back is so stiff and sore. I’ve been trying to do stretches, but I usually wait too long and it’s not as effective. The mental stuff is probably the hardest. I want to get out of the house. I want fresh air. I want happy things on my schedule to look forward to. But I’m also really scared of how hard it will be going into public. And so I stay here. I know it could be worse. But that doesn’t make this any easier.