I’m having a hard week. I feel like I’m basically failing at everything right now. I used to be so good at everything. Where did that person go? Why did my motivation and perfectionism and energy leave me? How can I be SO tired ALL the time and still feel like I’m never getting anything done or succeeding at any aspect of my life?!
I think Heartstring Annie is my biggest struggle right now. I just don’t know how to make it work during the summer when I am CONSTANTLY being interrupted and called to do other things. But this last school year proved that I didn’t really know how to make it work when I’m home alone all day either. Some batches dolls I feel super passionate about and can’t wait to finish them up and show them off. And sell them! But more often than not it’s just another thing on my neverending to do list and unless I have a huge focused block of time to sit down and work on them, I just can’t make myself do it at all. It is endlessly frustrating when I like to watch a show or listen to a podcast while I’m working and I have to pause it every one or two minutes, usually because Shepard comes in and wants to tell me something. It’s so completely unproductive! I’m getting back in the habit of only working at night when the boys are preoccupied with Greg. But I don’t want that to be the way I work anymore. And yet…
I’m definitely failing at taking care of myself. I had so many lofty exercise goals to start up again this summer. And I did okay during June when the boys were in summer school. But now? Nope! Not when it’s 90+ degrees every day. Not when I have to beg and bribe my too young to stay home alone kids to come with me. Not when I have a dog that also needs exercise and I want to have walk with me, but can’t take her because it’s always too dang hot.
And food! Oh, how I fail with eating these days. Meal planning has been a joke. Every night I’ve been scrambling to create some sort of cohesive meal out of whatever I can find in the fridge. The boys have some kind of frozen breakfast each day, while I usually forget to eat because I’m trying to get too many things done at once before I’ve lost all my energy and sanity for the day. Lunch is always a hodgepodge of what I can gather on the table before somebody freaks out because they’re “starving.” For about two weeks I was counting my calories. It was definitely enlightening, but also soooo depressing. I found myself only eating quick packaged “healthy snacks” because I was so hungry and didn’t want to take the time to calculate what a homemade meal would come out to. Then I gave that up and spent a week making the most delicious meals I could think of because I figured I might as well eat something I could savor, instead of just eating for the sake of fitting it into my calorie structure for the day. And this week I’m back to scrambling. I’m so inconsistent. I basically hate vegetables. I love carbs and cheese. I either want a gourmet meal or I don’t want to be bothered with spending twenty minutes in the afternoon putting a meal together. I’m all over the place and I hate it.
I’m for sure failing at marriage. I don’t know why I ever thought marriage would be easier as your kids got older. That’s definitely not the way it’s worked in our family. Kids getting older meant sharing more and more of Daddy’s hobbies and interests and me getting completely pushed out of the circle. The only time Greg and I have together is late at night when we watch one episode of a tv show together. And lately that tv time has been getting pushed back later and later. The boys stay up later. I’m either working on something or trying to get Annie on a late evening walk once the temperatures cooled down. Greg seems about at his breaking point and desperately needs time to himself before he can be with me. Neither of us have anything to give the other anymore. Not at the end of the day. Not when I can barely keep my eyes open and know that I still NEED my reading time afterward. I’ve been staying up way too late and still getting up as early as always. I don’t know how to create the balance we need to keep us strong. We’re very fortunate that once a week the boys go to Grandma’s house so we get a date night alone. But many times it starts the way it did tonight – with a ridiculous fight and both of us doing our own things in separate rooms and not saying a word to each other for hours. So many wasted nights.
I don’t exactly feel like I’m failing at parenting, but I’m not feeling especially successful with it either. When the three of us are at home during the day I am way too generous with letting them have screen time. Usually because I have my own work to do and I don’t know how else to make them give me the space to do it. I always make them earn that time, but I’m really bad at limiting it once they have it. I try to plan fun things for us to do out of the house, but even getting out of the house is harder and harder the older Caden gets and the more he rebels. So often it just doesn’t feel worth the hassle. We did have some fun little adventures this week and I hope we’ll have many more in the remaining weeks of summer. But I wish I were better with connecting with them individually too. Caden especially. Shepard makes it pretty easy. Caden is a lot harder to truly connect with.
So those are the biggest issues, but I’m definitely failing as a friend. As a housekeeper. As a daughter/sister/aunt. Pretty much the only part of my life I’ve got down pat these days is dog owning. I’m good with Annie! But that’s clearly not enough. I wish there was a very easy fix to make all the puzzle pieces of my life finally come together in a way that made more sense. I wish I had a magic pill that would stop making me feel so dead tired every afternoon. If I had those afternoon hours back, life would be so much better. But I’ve already seen so many doctors about it and they always brush it off as just the life of a mom. So somehow I just need to power on and try to be the best I can be, day after day. It has to be enough.