I’ve had a lot going through my mind the last few weeks and I’m to the point where I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t get some of it out, even if nobody reads this or nobody cares.

Life has been HARD lately. Very hard. We have been having some major difficulties with Caden and I feel like it’s tearing us all apart. I’m on the fence about if I should keep these battles private or if I should share them and perhaps find some support in other people that might be going through the same battles. The problem is that I feel like when I do start to share, the majority of people think I must be exaggerating or start to attack me for daring to say something negative about my child. People don’t believe me and I think that’s one of the hardest things to deal with.

The truth is, Caden has become a very angry and very violent child. He’s not like this at school, he’s not usually like this around strangers or extended family. But at home? It’s a completely different story. Caden hits, kicks, pinches, spits, bites, and throws things at me on a daily basis. Usually many, many, MANY times a day.  He does the same to Greg and the worst part – he does the same to Shepard. The other day Caden was hitting me with an umbrella. His newest thing is throwing objects at me, most often – kitchen chairs. He’s five years old. And he’s throwing kitchen chairs at me. I am devastated by what this is putting everybody through and I’m terrified of what he’s going to be like when he’s older if he continues on this path.

We shared some of our concerns with Caden’s pediatrician last month and she strongly suggested we start seeing a therapist to help Caden deal with his anger. For the last few weeks we’ve been going to a therapist now and though she seems to have some great ideas, Caden’s behavior has amplified considerably with the changes we’ve made. It’s getting harder and harder to see the good things in him when he spends so much of his day screaming at and attacking me. I feel very hopeless and very alone.

I love Caden and I always will. But we’ve had so many emotional struggles during his short life. We’ve struggled – and still struggle with – his speech apraxia and inability to be understood by most people, at least the first and second time he repeats himself. I know he must be hurting too in ways I probably can’t understand. He’s frustrated and feels like the only time he can let that go is in the safety of his own home. But…he’s hurting us. Physically, emotionally, deeply. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. 

Author: Amy Noe

I'm a maker, a writer, a reader, a wife, and a mom. I love pursuing my creative passions!

4 thoughts on “Struggling”

  1. I think you are doing the right thing. Seeing a therapist will hopefully help him deal with his anger and frustration and help you and Greg with coping skills and how to handle him with love and patience. I am SO happy you started him with a therapist now instead of waiting until he is in middle school. I think it's normal for a child to "act out" after being with a therapist and it will get worse before it gets better but it WILL get better. I think it is especially important to be seeking advice and answers now for Shepard's sake. I do worry about him and what might happen to him in the middle of one of Caden's storms. I too struggle at times with how much to share with people about our lives and family dynamics but if you can find a true support group that will encourage you and stand by your side as you continue to seek answers, the sharing will be worth it! Caden is an amazing, awesome, talented, funny, smart little guy and I love him more than I ever thought possible and I'm so glad you are looking for ways to help him.

  2. I am very proud of you and Greg for what you are going through and how you are proactively working through this, even though it has to be so very very hard. So painful. Steve and I love you all to the ends of the earth and will do whatever we can to be your support system. XO Cindy

  3. I can't imagine what you are going through…but I can tell you that holding it all inside and not talking about it with someone/anyone will only hurt more. Keep strong! You have friends and family that support you and are always there to listen.

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