I’ve really been struggling with a solid topic for a post the past two weeks when I have so many different things swirling around in my head. So I decided it’s time to ditch the idea of a perfectly composed article and just get through with catching up so I can start posting more regularly again after this. I miss writing!
Weight Loss Journey
As a mentioned last week, I finished Weight Watchers and won’t be writing any more weekly weigh-ins. In the ten weeks I stuck to it I lost ten pounds. Not great, but not horrible either. I’m definitely still working to lose more weight, though not as ambitiously as I was a few months ago. I do have a long term goal in mind and I hope that some day I can reach it. Finding the motivation, however, is always a challenge. Especially with the holiday season on us and so many yummy eating opportunities! So many baking opportunities as well. I’m doing my best to eat my treats in moderation.
I’m trying to find the will power to exercise more as well. The last few weeks have been weird because I’ve had a sore throat/cold/cough type thing going on. I haven’t felt like doing anything at all, and exercising has been last on my list of priorities. Yesterday Caden even asked when I was going to start doing exercises again… Not good! It’s time to get back in the routine of doing a video every day. I already miss summer when it was so much easier to fit in a fun bike ride or walk. Staying inside doing work out videos at my computer gets dull pretty fast. But I’ve got to stick with it.
Inadequacies at Home
Lately I’ve been feeling really inadequate. At about everything. Which really bothers me because I used to pride myself at being pretty good at whatever I put my mind to. I worked hard in school and got excellent grades. I was a really dedicated worker at all of my jobs. I maintained my friendships and felt like I was in a good place with all of my relationships. I had solid reasons to be proud of myself and plenty of sources of happiness.
Fast forward a few years and I suddenly feel like I’m barely squeaking by some days. The only people I have to please with my hard efforts are my children, and let me tell you – they definitely don’t show any appreciation! I doubt anybody’s children do, which is something you never realize before you have kids. It’s so much work. With so few rewards. Of course the smiles and hugs I get mean a lot. It’s nice to know that they want to be with me. But some days – most days – it’s hard to focus on that in the midst of so much whining, fighting, crying, etc. I’m trying to live in the moment and appreciate the specialness of this phase of my children’s lives, but there are days I’d rather be doing pretty much anything else. I don’t feel prepared for motherhood at all, even four years into it.
I’ve also been feeling extremely overwhelmed by housework. Stay at home moms should be on top of cleaning and daily maintenance of the home, right? Then why is it so hard?? Caden and Shepard have been playing together so well lately, but they make the WORST messes. And I’m one of those people that has a really hard time concentrating on something when I’m surrounded by clutter. It’s not even cleanliness so much that bothers me, but the piles of toys and clothes and papers that appear everywhere over and over and over again no matter how many times I think I’m cleaning it all up. I keep trying to come up with new ways to organize, but it never lasts more than a few days. Four and one year olds aren’t very good at following organizational systems! And while the clutter overwhelms me, the actual cleaning – and inability to find the time to do it all – has been bugging me too. A lot. I used to vacuum about every other day and now I’m lucky to pull it out once a week. Dirty dishes are sitting by the sink way too long when I used to make a clean kitchen one of my number one priorities. I can’t decide if there’s just suddenly a lot more to do or I’m just really falling behind – in which case there must be something wrong with me.
I’ve also been having a hard time keeping up with my friendships and relationships. I’m constantly dealing with inadequacies of being a mom. I feel like I’m really slacking as a wife and am not sure what I can do to change that. And friendships? It’s so hard to keep up with them once you have kids. It’s not that I don’t want friends, but sometimes the extra effort it takes is just too much. I also feel like I should be a lot closer to my siblings (real and in-law) than I am at this point in my life. I don’t know how to change that either. I definitely can’t figure out how to do it all right now. I can’t even figure out how to do half of everything I’d like to do. And it’s not like I’m reaching for the moon. I’m just talking about day to day stuff. It suddenly seems like so much work and I’m just never going to be good enough at it to be happy with myself and where I am.
On a more cheerful note, I’m definitely looking forward to Christmas! I’ve been very busy collecting Christmas gifts for people which is one of my favorite things in the world to do. I’m almost completely done with my shopping now which is a huge relief! I’ve been working for months to find the best deals on things to avoid even needing to step in a store in December and spend tons of money buying presents that might not mean as much. Gift giving makes me so happy. 🙂
I’m also looking forward to making some fun holiday memories. The older the boys get the more fun it all is! Shepard is still pretty clueless, but Caden is finally old enough this year to really understand everything. I’m looking forward to putting together some Advent things in the next few weeks. I’m also going to start the Elf on the Shelf tradition this year which always looks like so much fun for the kids. We’re going to take the month off from swimming lessons so we’ll have more time at home to just relax and enjoy each other. I have a lot of Christmas craft ideas I’d like to try out with them too. I think December will be a really great month and I can’t wait for it to come!
Well, now that I got all of that off my chest I think I can move on. 🙂 Tomorrow is a new day. If I could just get rid of this constant headache and cough I think everything will look a little brighter. It’s been a rough week and a half and I’d really like to get past this. Happy times are ahead.