I haven’t been feeling very motivated to write lately. Or take photos. Or do pretty much anything. I don’t know if it’s just the dragging days of summer or what. It hasn’t even been that hot the past week, so I can’t use that for an excuse anymore. I’ve just been tired, I guess. And totally lacking inspiration in the creativity department.
I don’t want to come off sounding depressed, because I’m not. I just seem to be frustrated with myself in a lot of areas right now. For example, I really want to bake. It’s my favorite thing to do and if I think of my future potential career…I’d really like to be a baker. In some capacity. The problem, however, is that I’ve been steadily gaining weight ever since Shepard weaned a few months ago. He was obviously burning a lot more calories than I ever realized. So now I’m stuck in this constant predicament. If I bake, I’m going to keep gaining weight. So…I can’t bake. That’s pretty much the end of the story. I usually like baking things and sharing them with people, but I haven’t had many opportunities for that either lately. And the family members I usually pawn my goodies off on are always trying to lose weight too, so I fear they’re probably getting sick of me handing them things every week.
I’ve also been extremely paranoid of people’s judgements about me lately. This is usually in regard to Facebook. There are certain people in my circles who are never afraid to tell me when they think things I’m posting are inappropriate or not being shared in the correct venue. And most of the time, I completely disagree with their assessments, so I end up feeling attacked and upset. Then I begin doubting every single thing I say, every photo I post, thinking that somebody is going to be offended by it or think badly of me. While it’s fine for people to have whatever opinions they have of me, I really don’t appreciate the insinuation that I’m not allowed to be myself. It’s forcing me to hide even further inside my shell, especially since the people that seem to always be judging me are the people who should be the most accepting of me.
The clutter I’m constantly surrounded by is also starting to really get on my nerves. It’s hard to relax and enjoy life when there are toys all over the place, stacks of paper to go through everywhere I look, piles of laundry no matter how often I do it, and cat food and crumbs scattered across the floor. Sometimes it feels so pointless to even try cleaning it all up because ten minutes later everything is going to be a total disaster again! Last Friday I had had enough and decided to go through all the toys and reorganize them, getting rid of some, and putting others away. I’ve sort of been working on a toy rotation this past year and it had been a few months since my last switch out. Of course I made the mistake of bringing in a box of toys while both boys were still awake. Instant disaster zone! They had a great time playing with “new” toys, but it was impossible for me to sort everything out while they were playing with it all. I finally went through everything after they went to bed, which was a huge project. And now? The house looks just as bad! The toy rotation works well, but they still have TOO MANY TOYS. But how do you decide what to get rid of? It’s almost impossible. I cleared out the rest of the baby toys and then got really depressed that we’ll never need them again. How am I ever going to be able to part with these things? They’re not even my toys! It’s a frustrating battle that I’m sure every parent goes through over and over again. Part of me wants to just give away a couple boxes full and never think of them again. But then I think about my in-laws and how they’ve saved pretty much every toy their kids ever had and now Caden and Shepard love going over there to play with it all. I feel guilty that by getting rid of toys now I’m depriving MY future grandchildren! Who are decades away from existing! Ugh, I don’t know. I’m at a total loss on this one.
At any rate, life hasn’t been all bad lately. In the last week I’ve spent a lot more time just playing with the boys. I know this sounds terrible, but I don’t really like getting down and playing with them that often because then they expect me to do it all the time. And I have so many other things to do during the day. I want them to play with each other so they don’t depend on me for their every happiness, which seems to be the case with Caden a lot of the time. But, that’s still no excuse to never play with them. In the past week I’ve seen Caden’s imagination really start to grow as he wants to play store all the time. Maybe if I give him a few tips in his imaginary games he’ll start thinking of more things on his own.
I’ve been reading to the boys a lot more too. Shepard has developed a sudden interest in books, which really thrills me. Caden has always loved books and I’m glad Shepard is finally joining in on the fun. I love books so much and I want them to feel the same way about reading as they grow up. Shepard’s favorite at the moment is Wheels on the Bus. He sings along with almost all the words. Another amazing thing! Up until now I’ve been so worried that he seemed to be following in Caden’s footsteps with the speech delays. But all of a sudden he’s repeating all kinds of words and singing along with songs. Hopefully he’ll catch up quickly and we’ll be spared many more years of speech therapy.
Anyway, I’ve just been in a weird personal rut the past few weeks and I’m trying to find my way out. Looking for joy in the lives of sweet boys. Reading a lot. Planning for Caden’s fast approaching birthday and Christmas shopping for people. Things that make me happy. Trying not to focus on the things that are weighing me down.
We’ve been spending more time outside lately too. Going to parks, exploring, biking. Yesterday we found an amazing park in Sun Prairie. We spent hours just playing and walking up the hills and on the trails.
I guess it’s time to end this rambling post. 🙂 I have a huge headache and it’s nap time. Hopefully I can catch a few minutes of sleep as well!