You never know how much time you’re going to have on this earth. It’s a truth we all know, but not something we spend a lot of time thinking about. Dwelling on death is depressing and probably not very healthy. But dwelling on life? I think that’s something we could all do a little more of.
I’ve been thinking about loss a lot this week. A few days ago the girl who we used to mentor’s father had a massive heart attack and eventually passed away. The news was shocking. He was way too young and left behind five children who will never be able to make another memory with him.
In January of this year I lost an uncle, also way too young to leave the people who loved him. A friend of mine lost her third baby, more than halfway through the pregnancy. In the last few years I’ve lost my remaining grandparents and half of Greg’s. We are surrounded by loss and death on a daily basis and it hurts. So much.
On Wednesday I was diagnosed with scoliosis. Far from a death sentence, but it still scared me. The combination of that and the passing of our young friend’s dad, as well as all the other loss I’ve experienced in recent years, made me really start reevaluating my own life and what I want to do with it. Especially in these long and often frustrating days at home with my boys.
I came to one major conclusion. I want to start taking the time. I want to start doing all the things I tell myself I’m going to do with my kids and then never do. I want to stop being so busy wasting time on my computer when I could be snuggling on the couch and reading books to them. I want to take the time to look Caden in the eye and listen to him when he talks no matter how many other things are begging for my attention.
Consciously taking the time to do these things is definitely not always easy. Even today, a single day after my big conclusion, I was tired and cranky and didn’t want a whole lot to do with my very crabby and obnoxious behaving children. But that doesn’t mean I should stop trying. No, I can’t escape from my responsibilities every day of the week. But I can start making more of an effort to enjoy my life now. Enjoying my boys before they grow up and leave me to make their own lives. I can take a day every once in awhile to do something fun and different, making memories that will hopefully last a lifetime, no matter how long that may be.
For weeks now Caden has been asking to go to the zoo. I always say no because it’s too far away and a big hassle packing a lunch and finding a full day to do something like that. But yesterday I decided to surprise him with a big yes!
It was a drizzly and extremely humid day, but we quickly packed our picnic and headed to the zoo!
It was fun having a day filled with smiles and laughter rather than complaints and time outs.
I feel like I don’t say this enough – it was a really good day. I love my kids. I love spending time with them. And I want them to always love spending time with me. It is now going to be one of my biggest goals – taking the time to just be with them. Going to the zoo. Reading together. Laughing. Having conversations. I want to dwell on this life I have with them before it is too late.