This is what Caden screams at me about a hundred times a day. It is usually accompanied by him running at me, fists swinging. Life with him has been especially challenging lately. I feel like dealing with Caden has always been a little harder than it should be. He requires much more attention, much more patience, and much more strength. There are some days when I honestly have no idea how I’m going to make it until Greg gets home from work. It seems so unfair that I get the brunt of his anger and apparent hatred day in and day out while everyone else can just play with him, experience his moments of sweetness, and then go home at the end of the day. I never, ever expected motherhood to be so discouraging and utterly draining.
I wish I could get to the root of why Caden has been acting so horribly lately. Why he’s so angry at me all the time. Is it just because he’s three? Does he resent Shepard’s presence in our family? Does he hate living in our apartment (he does ask to go to our old home every single day)? I honestly don’t have a clue. I’m trying to have more patience with him. I’m trying to show him more love and give him more of my undivided attention during the day. I try to calmly explain why he can’t act certain ways. Sometimes he cheers up for a small amount of time. Until I ask him to do something or tell him we need to go somewhere and the screaming and hitting starts all over again.
These struggles with Caden aren’t really new. Maybe it’s because we have very similar temperaments that it often seems like we’re warring with each other. A long time ago a friend told me that the child we have the most struggles with usually ends up being the one we feel the most connected to. I wonder if that’ll be my sentiment as well as the years go by. Shepard is so easy to love with his constant smiles, snuggles, and laughter. I love Caden just as much, but he takes so much more out of me.
I wish I had something uplifting and encouraging to end this post. But it’s been a hard few weeks. Caden can be a very sweet little boy. When Shepard is upset he always tries his hardest to make him laugh and feel better. He loves to snuggle up and read books with me. And he’s always eager to help me in the kitchen or join in on new projects around the house. But lately his anger is taking over everything, and I’m not sure what to do about it anymore. I pray this is a swift and passing phase and I’ll soon get a lovable little boy back.